Don't Call Us, We'll Call You!
by Setsumi-san
Summary: [Sidestory to my other fic 'After the Beep.'] When Macchi comes back to camp announcing that she has been placed in charge of Hao's cell phone the Hanagumi make mischief by prank calling the Xlaws, Team Funbari Onsen, and Team The Ren! [Final chapter up!]
1. Chapter one

**Don't Call Us, We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King.

* * *

Quotable quotes: "The best I've seen, Ma'am. Hardly any rats." –Jack Dawson on the conditions of Steerage boat class, Titanic

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Setsumi-san: When all else fails, crack a joke. This is something I'm doing in this sidestory for you all. - 

Mari: It's about time. Mari was bored and wanted to prank call more people.

Setsumi-san: You only had to wait for a day or two.

Mari: Mari is not very patient. Let's hurry and start!

Setsumi-san: You heard the lady. Read, review, and enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter One: Macchi's Big Discovery**

Two words could be used to summarize the past three days in Patch Village: hot and dull. The Great Spirit hadn't given instructions to anyone for quite some time. This gave everyone a chance to relax, train, or; in the case of Asakura Hao's minions; be bored out of their skulls. After all, why bother to train for anything when they had such a powerful leader? There was nothing to do but hang around camp under the scorching desert sun.

This was especially true for the Hanagumi. The girls always had one member who was bored on a regular basis, but now all three were slowly going nuts as the week dragged on its belly like a snake. Kanna Bismarch had been smoking under the shade of a cliff for an hour and was starting to feel sick. Marion Phauna was sipping from a canteen with Chuck by her side looking sleepy. Matilda Matisse had walked off somewhere in a desperate search for entertainment. It was beginning to eat away at them.

Kanna put out her latest cigarette, sighed, and asked, "Should we go find Macchi? It's been a while since she left."

"Mari doesn't care," Mari grumbled, "Mari's too tired to stand up and has been trying to take a nap for an eternity."

"So take one," Kanna said.

"It's too hot to sleep," Mari explained.

Before their conversation could continue Macchi was spotted running across the wasteland toward her teammates looking like an Olympic Torchbearer. She waved a mysterious rectangular object excitedly back and forth for all to see.

"Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy!" came her eager chant.

She would've kept on if Kanna hadn't stuck out a hand for her to slam into. The carrot-topped girl landed flat on her butt with an ugly grunt.

"What was that for?" she asked crossly.

"That was for being your hyperactive self and irritating me. What's got you so excited?" Kanna replied. Macchi got up, dusted herself off, and stuck out her tongue.

"Hmph! I _was_ going to tell both of you, but it seems you'd rather be making smart remarks! Let's just say Hao-sama has given me and me alone a very important job!" she snapped.

"Huh? Why only you? Hao-sama never gives each of us separate missions," Mari said curiously.

"Mari's right; you're lying," Kanna agreed.

"I am not! I walked past the spot where he and Opacho were sitting while I was looking for something to do and he gave me a really important title. I'm the keeper of a super secret magical item now, so _nyah_!" she taunted.

"Mari interested. Show this thing to her," the blonde insisted.

"Don't tell me you believe her!" Kanna snapped incredulously.

"You should listen to Mari. Just because you're the oldest and the Team Captain doesn't mean you're all high and mighty," Macchi said haughtily.

She picked up whatever she'd been carrying earlier and stuffed it in her pocket.

"I'll show it to you, Mari, 'cause only the Keeper and Hao-sama have the power to let anybody know what this is or use it. That means 'No Kannas allowed! Fine for trespassing is a thousand dollars!' " she emphasized.

The Hanagumi's leader growled while Mari got up and formed a two-person huddle with Macchi. The factors of the weather, the boredom, and standing ankle deep in cigarette butts made a perfect combo platter of annoyance. However, after five minutes of whispers passed even she began to get curious. Trying to be inconspicuous, she shuffled a few inches closer and tilted her head slightly to eavesdrop.

She heard Mari's voice say, "It's musical?"

"Hai, it is as far as I can tell. If I push the buttons in the right combination it plays different songs," was Macchi's reply.

"What's the combination?"

"I don't know. I got it right once, but forgot it."

_Musical? Does she have some kind of mystical instrument?_ Kanna thought. She leaned towards them more.

"…And he really couldn't burn it? Mari doesn't believe you."

"Ask him yourself! Do you think he would've kept it if the Spirit of Fire couldn't burn this thing?"

"No…"

_What the hell…? This thing survived the Spirit of Fire! _Kanna mentally yelped.

"Mari has the wibbles… You shouldn't touch that evil human thing; it'll pollute your soul!"

_Human! Hao-sama got interested in something humans use!_ thought the oldest girl. A mix of shock and sheer terror slowly poured over her like pancake batter.

"It won't pollute my s- What the heck are the wibbles?"

"It's the feeling your body gets when you're faced with something really spooky."

"Oh, you mean the creeps."

_This isn't something we should be toying with!_ _Why did he give it to Macchi?_ she panicked.

"No, the creeps wriggle on your skin. The wibbles flutter in that empty space between your breastbone and the top of your stomach."

"That's the creeps!"

"There's a difference between the creeps and the wibbles, you dodo bird."

_I bet Hao-sama doesn't even know she has this…this…whatever it is. She probably found it herself! _the teen fumed.

"Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. The creeps are the creeps no matter _where_ you feel them."

"WILL YOU FORGET THE STUPID CREEPS AND TELL ME WHAT THIS THING IS!" Kanna screamed.

Everyone was silent for a second, and then Macchi grinned.

"I thought I was lying," the redhead teased.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. You're not lying. Will you let me see it?" Kanna said quickly.

"Well...okay!" she chirped.

"Good," Kanna replied and held out her hand.

"Wait! The fine for trespassing is a thousand dollars," she reminded her.

"You gave Kanna full consent to come on the property, so she wouldn't really be trespassing," Mari pointed out.

"Okay, let's call it an entry fee," Macchi decided.

**Shing!** That was the sound of Ashcroft's jousting sword swinging through the air and stopping a hair's breath away from Macchi's neck. She laughed nervously and finally showed her Captain….

…A cell phone.

"That's _it_? What's so magical about a cell phone?" the blue-haired girl scoffed.

"Do you remember when Hao-sama burned down a city this autumn while traveling to Patch Village?" Macchi asked.

"Which one?" Mari interjected.

"Erm," she began and then got a sheepish expression, "I can't remember. Anyway, he told me saw this phone among all the debris. It was obviously fireproof so he got curious and took it for himself. However, it frustrates him because he can only figure out how to use the voice message and number log features. When he saw me he asked if I would do him a favor and find out how it works. In return, I could use it when I wanted and give anybody else on his side permission to do so."

"Did you say it had a number log?" Mari asked.

She nodded, pressed a few buttons, and a directory appeared onscreen. All three girls inquisitively glanced at the sight.

"Who would Hao-sama want to call on a telephone?" Mari wondered aloud.

"Look! It says that you can reach the numbers of his brother, that kid with the spiky hair, and…" Macchi observed before gasping in surprise.

"…The X-laws?" Kanna finished in shock.

"Wow! Why would he want to speak to any of them?" Macchi questioned.

"Mari bets he likes to call them just so he can hang up when they answer," Mari snickered.

Macchi's eyes suddenly grew as wide as dinner plates as she got a brilliant idea.

"You're a genius, Mari!" she exclaimed.

"Mari is?" was the doll master's confused reply.

"Yeah! Why don't we call one of the X-laws just so we can bug 'em?" Macchi suggested.

"Hey, good idea! What do we say?" Kanna asked.

"Hmmm…I don't know. Maybe we could trick whomever we call by claiming we're somebody else," she proposed.

"You mean prank call them?" was the reply.

"Exactly! Do you want to go ahead with it?" Macchi said.

"Mari tsumanai. She needs to shake things up," the pigtailed girl answered.

"I'm in," Kanna agreed.

"Great! Now, who to call? Eeny, meeny, miny…Marco!" she said devilishly.

* * *

Setsumi-san: Bwahahahahaa! I've left you hanging! Oh, I'm a bad girl; I'm a very bad girl! Hohohohohohoho! 

Mari: --' No more soda for you.


	2. Chapter two

**Don't Call Us,We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable quotes: **Linus: **It's fair weather today, Charlie Brown.

**Charlie Brown:** So where are all my friends? – From Charles M. Schulz's "Peanuts."

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Setsumi-san: Poor Chuck… 

Mari: Yes, he needs to be sewn back up in some places.

Setsumi-san: I meant Charlie Brown. He was always down on his luck and had a lot of reasons to be a worrywart.

Mari: Will Marco feel like that in this chapter?

Setsumi-san: Thanks to you three, yes.

Mari: Yatta!

Setsumi-san: You know the drill: Read and review!

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**Chapter Two: The Pandemonium Begins! Marco Boils His Glasses!**

Grinning like a maniac, Macchi pushed the call button on the cell phone and eagerly prepared to annoy Marco.

"Oh boy," she giggled, "I can't wait to drive this guy nutty as a fruitcake!"

"Actually, that's already been accomplished," Mari spoke up, "You only have to look at the tin can girl's cult to see that she's completely brainwashed them by telling them that murder is justice. Mari shudders to think what she'd become if she had such a crazy leader instead of Hao-sama."

All three girls shivered in agreement for a moment when Macchi made a shushing motion and signaled for the others to come listen to her conversation…

* * *

Meanwhile, back on the X-laws' ship, Lyserg Diethyl was being lectured by Marco (_again_) and suffering in silence. Deep down the green-haired boy understood that he was not yet ready for an angel of his own, but did the blonde man _absolutely_ have to scold him about it for an average of two hours and thirty minutes each day? 

"**Listen** to me, Lyserg Diethyl," Marco angrily barked, "Jeanne-sama's word is **law**! Until you can give up Morphin, I don't want you pressing our savior for an angel! You do **not **deserve to have her merciful patience! I don't see how she puts **up** with your bold behavior, and-"

_Rrriiinnnggg! Rrriiinnnggg! Rrriiinnnggg! _He was cut off by his own cell phone. He gave Lyserg one last look that could have frozen water in July before answering it.

"Hello, Seeker of God's Word. How may the X-laws help you?" was his greeting.

"Um…" came an unrecognizable female voice from the other end. There was a long pause while Marco raised an eyebrow in confusion. He could have _sworn_ he heard giggling on the other line.

"Who _is_ this?" he said crossly.

"Uh, this is Lauren!"

"Lauren?" whispered another voice from the caller's end.

"Who doesn't know somebody named Lauren?" replied the first voice.

"Madam, why are you calling me?" he snapped.

"Oh, yes! I'm calling about…your glasses!"

"My glasses?" he echoed, his tone changing from irritated to attentive.

"Tee hee…Yes, um, I'm filling in for your normal optometrist. I just called to tell you that we've found a severe defect with the model you wear. You should get rid of your own pair immediately!"

"Oh, I see. What was the defect?" he asked.

"The defect? Yeah…the defect…umm…"

"_Defect_, ma'am. It's a noun meaning a lack of something necessary for completeness according to the third edition of Webster's New World Dictionary," Marco continued, his irritated tone returning.

"…You don't use The American Heritage Dictionary?"

"Hmph! Only sinners like Asakura Hao use American Heritage!" snorted the Iron Maiden's guardian.

"**WHAT!** Er, I mean, heh heh…how very true. **cough**asswipe**cough** Anyway, if you don't get rid of them soon you'll go completely colorblind! Yeah that's it…you'll only be able to see in black and white like a dog!"

"Well, I'm glad I was informed of this. I'll go throw them away right now," he said.

"Wait; don't just toss 'em in a garbage can! You have to dispose of these properly by melting them down!"

"What!" he exclaimed in disbelief. Lyserg blinked in curiosity.

"Yeah, now let's hear some water boiling!"

"I don't believe that you're a real doctor, you crazy woman! Goodbye!" he shouted.

* * *

Back on the Hanagumi's end, Macchi looked panicked. She gave the other girls a look that said: _What do I do?_ Shrugs and sighs were her answers. 

Desperate, she shouted, "Wait! Um, uh, unless you do as I say…I'll tell your darling tin can girl about all those child support checks you forgot to pay!"

"What are you _talking_ about?" Marco said in a bewildered voice.

She paused, tossed the phone to Kanna, and hissed, "Here, take it!"

The bluenette clapped a hand over the receiver and whispered back, "_Me? _What do I say?"

"That's for you to decide; but just remember that you're the mother of his lovechildren," Macchi answered.

"**NAAANNNIII!**" she screamed.

"My thoughts EXACTLY!Marco roared from the other end.

"Um…I meant…**NAAANNNIII! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE MET ON THAT HANGLIDING TRIP!**" Kanna hollered.

There was a tense pause and the sound of Lyserg's voice asking if he could "pretty please" go to the bathroom before Marco replied, "I can't say that I do…"

"That figures," Kanna snorted, "your breath reeked of margaritas the whole weekend. I bet you didn't even mean it when you declared your eternal love to me!"

"I declared my eternal love to someone!" he sputtered.

"Marco-san declared his eternal love to someone!" Lyserg echoed in the background.

"Of course you did! I've been trying to find you for years and tell you about the siamese triplets you fathered during that weekend! How _dare_ you haul your hung-over ass out of there without _one_ reason why you left!" she screeched.

"Oh…my gosh…Well, uh, what can I do?" he said in an unusually apologetic tone.

"It's too late for forgiveness, you deadbeat! If you can't see about your children, I won't let you see period! Boil your glasses!" Kanna shouted.

"I'm blind as a bat without those things! Can't I make it up to you some other way?" he asked.

"Hmm…you could pay all your missed child support checks, the kids' medical expenses, and my rent for the next five years…which would come to a total of five million dollars…" she continued.

"I'll boil my glasses," he quickly replied, "LYSERG DIETHYL, FETCH OUR LARGEST POT!"

"But I still have to go to the bathroom!" the poor boy reminded him.

"You are a member of the X-laws, boy, and the X-laws hold it in!" he barked.

A second later, the Hanagumi heard the distinctive _blub blub_ of boiling water and a farsighted Marco walking into walls; cursing. Kanna hung up and all three girls fell over chortling.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" they guffawed.

"Bwahahahahaa! I wish I could've seen the look on that guy's face!" Macchi laughed.

"Tee hee hee! The last time Mari laughed this much was when she and Chuck shot about a hundred balloons a street vendor was selling!" Mari giggled.

"Ahhahaha! Yeah, that was just priceless! Whew!" Kanna huffed.

"Who do we call next?" Mari asked.

"Let's go back to our tents first and then head straight for their leader, Jeanne," Kanna suggested.

"Good idea. I'll write some scripts in advance before we call the Iron Maiden while we get something to drink," Macchi piped up.

The world had no idea that it was about to be cower in fear under an invasion of three deadly, mischievous, beautiful shamans. What chaos would befall those in Patch Village? Would anyone be safe?

**BUM, BUM, BUMMM!**

Mari sweatdropped and asked, "When did we get ominous background music installed?"

The others shrugged and kept walking.

* * *

Setsumi-san: No offense was, has been, or ever will be meant to the disabled. 

Mari: (holds Chuck to Setsumi-san's head) Mari assures the readers that if the author ever made you all mad, Mari would give her a good dose of pain.

Setsumi-san: P-Please take that away from my head, Mari.


	3. Chapter three

**Don't Call Us,We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

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Quotable quotes "...And don't ever take yourself so seriously that you refer to yourself in the third person. You know, the day I say, 'Dennis Miller has to look out for Dennis Miller,' I want you all to crown Dennis Miller the King of Assholia." –Dennis Miller on blatant self-promotion, I Rant, Therefore I Am. 

* * *

Mari: Mari resents that quote, Setsumi-san. 

Setsumi-san: Sorry, it's nothing against you. We love you because you talk in third person.

Mari: Besides, the pigtails make Mari as cute as she is powerful.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I own neither Shaman King nor Pop Rocks candy. (sigh) 

**Warning: **There are a few minor religious jokes in this chapter, so skip those parts if you don't like that. I take no responsibility for any offense you might take. Anyway, read on and crack a smile.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Guess Who Your Ancestor Was, Jeanne-sama.**

The Hanagumi had hit a rough spot in their plan back at their little corner of Hao-tachi's campsite. They'd tried to reach the Iron Maiden after writing dialogue for several of their false calls, but ended up leaving her a message instead. Now this would have been harmless…except Macchi had forgotten to hang up after the trio had finished.

"Way to go, bonehead!" Marion scolded.

"Ow! Mari, you didn't have to hit me," Macchi huffed.

"She's right though. I thought you said you had this thing figured out," Kanna said.

"No, I never said such a thing! I-I'm gonna tell Hao-sama this is all your fault and he'll make the Spirit of Fire roast, toast, and burn you to a crisp! " Macchi snapped back defensively.

"Settle down, we're not in trouble yet. We don't even know if Tin Can Girl checked her messages. Let me call her back and see if she answers," Kanna suggested, "She'll forget about all answering machines within a thousand miles after the scare _I_ give her."

She bared her teeth in a wicked grin, pressed the call button, motioned for a random script to be provided…and frowned. What Macchi had written was downright _silly._ The oldest girl made a mental note to cut off her partner's supply of Pop Rocks just before the Holy Girl said hello.

"May I speak with the one who calls herself Lady Jeanne?" Kanna began.

"This is she. Whom shall I say is calling?" Jeanne inquired politely.

"Miss Maiden, I am Professor Itrickedyuu. I major in theology and have been trying to find the descendant of Saint Spalding for a long time," the bluenette answered.

"I see. What does this have to do with me?" Jeanne asked.

"Well, we believe you may be his direct descendant. You see, he was the patron saint of keys. Whether you had a problem with lost keys, house keys, car keys, or map keys he was your man! I only need to ask you three questions to prove my theory is true. First: Are you the one who has the power to open the legendary Gate of Babylon?" Kanna said.

"Why, yes!" she exclaimed.

The other girls of the Flower Team snickered while listening in on the conversation. Their leader silently shushed them but could not keep a smirk from curling across her face.

"I knew it! Only a human key herself could unlock such a gate! Now those who kicked me out of the university shall suffer my wrath when I t.p. their campus! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Kanna cackled.

"Madam, are you…well?" Lady Jeanne said nervously.

"I've never felt so vivacious in all my life, Cap'n!" she piped.

"'Cap'n?' Miss, I believe you need to get somewhere where you cannot harm yourself," the Iron Maiden tried to say as calmly as possible. One could practically hear her uneasy frown on the other line.

"Question two: What is the unit of measurement used to determine how bright a lightbulb is?" she continued.

"What?" Jeanne responded.

"That's right, you measure brightness in watts!" she shouted.

"I'm hanging up _now_," the Holy Girl firmly stated.

"Wait! If you answer this last question we can tell you about a secret weakness of Hao Asakura," the teen interjected.

There was a silent pause on the other line for a moment that was occasionally interrupted by the muffled thumps of Marco greeting the walls hello.

"You have my attention," she replied rigidly, "but if you goof around with me once more I _will_ find you and punish you _severely_ in the name of justice."

"Oh sure, don't worry," was her caller's reassurance, "Anyway, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

Another pause stretched out like an elastic waistband on a pair of old sweatpants. Lady Jeanne had always been a Bible connoisseur, but could not remember the first thing out of Eve's mouth for all it was worth.

_Dear me,_ she thought, _here I am presented with the possibility of attaining priceless information for my goal only to have my mind go blank._

"I'm wai-ting," Kanna said in a sing-song voice.

"Let me think. The first words Eve said to Adam were… they were…" she hesitated, "Ooh, that's hard..."

"Wow, I'm impressed. I didn't think you knew the answer to that last one," the bluenette remarked.

It took a few seconds for Jeanne to realize what she was implying. Then…

**BWOOSHH! **The Hanagumi heard the sound of her flushed face steaming up the room. Mari and Macchi were getting hernias from trying to hold their laughter in. Oh, how they wished Hao-sama could see their brilliant work now!

"Y-You vulgar woman! I don't know who you are or why you wasted my time, but I will track you down and make you pay for your crude and unholy words! Goodbye!" she sputtered before hanging up.

"YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Mari and Macchi hooted.

"Yeah, you two just whoop it up. From now on I make up what I'm going to say on these nutty calls _myself_," Kanna grumbled.

"Let Mari do one, let Mari do one!" Mari demanded.

"Okay," Macchi agreed, "but wait at least thirty minutes. The X-laws will get suspicious if they get three weird calls following each other so quickly.

"What are Chuck and Mari supposed to do for thirty minutes when there are no walking targets for fire practice?" the blonde complained.

She was answered with creeped-out stares.

"I'm…gonna go to the bathroom," Kanna said nervously.

"Yeah…I'll come with you and… make sure you flush," Macchi added.

The two zipped off like bolts of lightning leaving only a cloud of dust and a bewildered Marion behind.

* * *

Mari: Well, who is Mari supposed to use for practice? 

Setsumi-san: Sorry, but I'm keeping this Pg-13.

Mari: (huffs and plops down on the ground irritably) (

Setsumi-san: Would you all be kind enough to review and cheer Mari-chan up?


	4. Chapter four

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Exceptional Excerpts: "…Time isn't real."-D.J. from the book Wayside School Is Falling Down

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**Author's Note:** I just noticed a critical error in After the Beep: The story's timeline is completely out-of-order. The fic and this sidestory take place, for the most part, when everyone is in Patch Village; but the way I wrote the chapters in After the Beep totally jumbles everything up. I'm going to try to do my best to fix all that through this story, though. Don't worry; there won't be any major plot changes. Again, I am so sorry!

Mari: (happily munches on her candy while huggling her Nichrom plushie and occasionally blasting the Marco dolls) Mari feels loved! Thanks to all the nice reviewers for their comments and gifts.

Setsumi-san: Hey, do you mind sharing some of that candy?

Mari: Yes.

Setsumi-san: =( Oh well…enjoy Ren's chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Four: In Which Ren's Legendary Slut-Pants Are Confiscated **

Lyserg sighed with relief as he came out of the bathroom. Today had been most hectic. Amongst all of his inner conflicts, Marco's speeches, and Lady Jeanne suddenly feeling ill (Meene had explained that she was looking rather red in the face and needed to cool herself off for a while) he'd barely gotten a moment's peace!

_Oh well, at least things can't get any crazier,_ he thought.

**CRASH!!! **Just then a herd of elephants, which was being led by a certain caffeine-happy Ainu, charged through a nearby wall and nearly trampled the poor dowser.

"**MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Go, my precious pachyderms! Be free! Never again shall any circus ringmaster force you into a frilly little costume for the amusement of human beings! FREE THE ANIMALS!!! **III LLLOOOVVVEEE CCCOOOFFFEEE!!!**" Horohoro manically screamed as he rode into the wild blue yonder.

When all of the dust settled, the clamor stopped, and the scent of Eau de Serengeti wafted away Morphin anxiously floated up to her dazed master and gave him a look that asked what just happened.

"I think it's best," he murmured, "if I not get involved with this one…"

* * *

Meanwhile, our three heroes could not get anyone to answer their latest call and Mari was getting frustrated.

"This thing is biased," she sulked, "It won't let Mari talk."

"Yes it will. Try calling someone else," Macchi advised. She browsed the number log for a moment before coming upon Tao Ren's number.

"Here Mari, try tongari head. You can scare him and avenge your boyfriend," Macchi teased. Mari glared and snatched the phone from her.

"Nichrom is NOT Mari's boyfriend," she insisted. However, she could not hide the faint tulip pink blushline from streaking across her face while she pressed the button.

* * *

On yet another side of town, Tao Ren sat inside his team's cabin mentally somewhere between boredom and unease. His sister was in the kitchenette making him dinner…or at least trying to. One couldn't expect much from someone who thought bacon should be baked; but Jun wanted to prove that she didn't need servants to do everything for her. Thusly Ren and everyone else in her path were subjected to each new culinary disaster she made. What could the poor boy do? He didn't want to hurt his sister's feelings.

"Ren," she called, "about your noodles…do you think I should boil them for one hour or two?"

_Oh God_, Ren thought with a shudder. He was saved by the ringing of the cabin's telephone.

"Yes, what?" he rudely answered.

"Tao Ren?" a female voice replied.

"This is he."

"You're in a lot of trouble with the laws of Patch Village."

"Hn! Just what have I done?"

"While you've been here you've slipped beneath the town's dress code. The eleven official priests have reports of you sporting poofy hip-hugging slut-pants."

"First of all, there are only ten priests judging the Shaman Fight. Secondly, they aren't 'slut-pants.' They're part of my battle outfit sewn in a Chinese style. I haven't broken the dress code."

"You're speaking to the eleventh priest; the Great Spirit picked an alternate for emergencies. Furthermore, whether Chinese or not, those are risqué slut-pants and they _will_ be confiscated."

"I told you not to call them slut-pants!"

"Slut-pants."

"Stop that!"

"Slut-pants."

"Kisama!"

"Hee hee! S-l-u-t P-a-n-t-s!"

"It's not funny, you bitch! I'm going to be Shaman King and the Shaman King isn't going to let a stupid thing like a dress code be a nuisance to him!"

"You'll be disqualified from the Shaman Fights if you don't give them up."

"This is the only battle costume I have! Do you expect me to fight my opponents half naked?!"

"Ew, you mean you don't wear underwear?"

"UNDERWEAR DOESN'T COUNT!!"

"So…you _wouldn't_ wear underwear. That's sick."

"Of course I would wear it! I'm just saying that underwear doesn't count as normal _clothing_."

"If you wear it, it's clothing. No wonder you're so screwed up. What other twisted fashion crimes are you guilty of?"

"None! Look, can we settle this any other way?"

"Well…there is a fine you could pay."

"That's good. Money is no object with me. How much do you need?"

"Three-thousand three-hundred dollars will do."

"What the hell-?! Just for a _dress code_?! No, I won't pay it! Besides, that's my entire weekly budget!"

"Okay, but remember: tighty-whities."

"Alright, alright, alright. Where do I send the check?"

"Uh…just tape it to the front of your door. Someone will come by and pick it up later."

"That sounds awfully suspi-"

"Bye!"

The phone clicked as Mari abruptly cut Ren off and smirked at her teammates.

"The Hanagumi is going to be filthy rich tonight," she told them.

* * *

Mari: Mari is going to spend all of her money on doll accessories and ice cream!

Setsumi-san: Can anybody stop this trio?! What will they do with their newly acquired money?! Does Ren really wear underpants?! Find out next time!

__


	5. Chapter five

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable Quotes: "We need the _bitchy_ Erica Cane back!" –My Mother, on All My Children's infamous husband-happy diva.

* * *

Setsumi-san: Mean girls are so much more fun! =p

Mari: (smacks Setsumi-san)

Setsumi-san: OW! What was THAT for?!

Mari: You _said_ mean girls-

Setsumi-san: I wasn't being literal!

Mari: (sticks out her tongue) Aren't we cranky?

**Author's Notes:** 1. The Hanagumi fought against Jun and Tamao in the manga, for those who have only seen the anime. 2. I don't own/am not affiliated with Pepsi One Cola (unless you count buying their soft drinks as owning...which I doubt you do…) or anything of the sort.

* * *

**Chapter Five: "Why of _course_ this is the Culinary Crisis Hotline!" **

By noon of the next day our heroines were relaxing and eating lunch in Silva's diner...with knee deep mounds of shopping bags all around them.

"Ahhh! This is the life, huh girls?" Macchi said happily.

"I've gotta hand it to you; it was wise to make Opacho get the check for us. That kid's really good when it comes to sneaking around. Still, I don't think it's fair that he should get to take my new motor scooter on a joyride," Kanna replied.

"Hey it was either that or give out another share of the money. Besides, didn't you actually want that motorcycle?"

"Yeah, but you can't get anything much with one-thousand, one-hundred dollars these days. I'm not complaining though; that fancy little scooter can really haul ass when you crank it. I really miss my old bike."

Presently, a young Patch waitress arrived with their orders.

"That's three Patch Sodas, a plate of chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy, one with fried chicken strips, and…oh! Excuse me a moment," the girl pardoned.

She rushed back to the kitchen and returned a few seconds later with a large wheelbarrow which held a three-foot tall sundae. It consisted of pumpkin flavored ice-cream, chocolate chips, fine pecan slices, strawberry chunks, caramel fudge swirls, whipped cream, and a single cherry on top. Everyone in the diner gawked at the sugary magnum opus.

"Yum, pumpkin is Mari's favorite!" Mari exclaimed.

WHAM!! Everybody fell over in shock.

"You're having THAT for lunch?!" Macchi shouted after recovering.

"It's Mari's money; she can eat what she wants," she answered.

"Well…whatever floats your boat…" the redhead replied. She sipped her drink uneasily.

"You can't talk. You spent all of your cash on Pepsi One, cell phone covers, and an upgrade for your broom. How exactly _do_ you upgrade a broom anyway?" her quiet friend asked.

"In addition to sweeping it can shop for groceries, do the laundry, wash the dishes, and electrocute any creep who's bothering you. Watch this," she told her getting up with the broom.

She "accidentally" bumped into a random man, screamed 'Pervert!' and zapped him with a loud _bzzzzzzz._

"Let that teach you a lesson, you sicko!" she shouted.

"Uh, Macchi…" Kanna began uneasily.

"The next time you want to touch a lady like that, you'd better remember this experience!"

"Macchi…" Mari interrupted with apprehension.

"I am Matilda Matisse; mighty shaman, Princess of the Electric Broom O' Doom, and Keeper of Hao-sama's Cell Phone! Behold my glory! Nyahahahaha!!"

"Macchi!!!" her teammates yelled in unison.

"Hang on! I'm not done with my speech yet."

"Oh yes you are," a male voice growled. The carrot-topped girl looked up in horror to see its owner. He was Luchist, a very LARGE and STRONG fellow servant of Hao.

* * *

"AIIIEEEE!!!!" the trio shrieked as Luchist flung them and their bundles out into the dirty street.

"Screw you!" Kanna screamed.

"Mari never got to finish her sundae," sniffled the blonde.

Before the Hanagumi could say anything else they were surprised by a _beedle, beedle, beedle_ noise.

"It's…" Mari said.

"…the phone," Macchi finished.

The girls froze for a minute. They weren't quite sure how to react. Who was calling them? What did they want? Technically, it wasn't _their_ phone so it would mean someone wanted to talk to Hao-sama…right?

Then again…Macchi hadn't been informed by her leader if he'd given anyone his number. If he did…someone may have traced their prank calls. Was this the Hanagumi's doom? Would Hao feed them to the Spirit of Fire when he found out that they had been messing around? Only two words were right to describe this situation: **Oh shit.**

Matilda Matisse gulped and took it out of her pocket. She wouldn't let herself jump to conclusions. Things had been settled with Iron Maiden Jeanne and this would get settled too.

"Hello?" she answered in a calm tone.

"Culinary Crisis Hotline? I need your help," a young woman responded from the other end. Macchi let out a mental sigh and gave the thumbs-up sign to her friends.

"I think you have the wrong num-" Macchi started before a little lightbulb popped above her head. She recognized that voice. It was the Tao girl whom the team had fought once!

"Hello, operator?" Jun asked.

"Um…yes! Why of _course_ this is the Culinary Crisis Hotline! How can we be of assistance?"

"I'm trying to bake some cookies for the first time but what I have for dough is something…uh…I'm not really sure how to describe this…"

"Alright, take your time."

"Well…the dough is…tough."

For once it was Macchi's turn to be surprised.

"Did you say 'tough?' What do you mean?" she asked.

"Yes. The dough's stiff as a board. When I touch it it feels like cloth. Specifically, the texture is like a pillowcase or a hospital gown."

"Whoa…what kind of cookies are you trying to make here?"

"It's my own personal recipe. These are going to be sugar cookies with a little bit of peanuts and cinnamon on top."

"Aha! There's your problem! Any decent baker knows that cinnamon belongs with at least three other spices in all cookies."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, it's practically the golden rule of spiceology."

"Excuse me, but what on Earth is spiceology?"

"It's a very exclusive and complicated art of cooking that only the greatest chefs know. Truthfully, I shouldn't be yakking about it. I've said too much already."

"Oh, then let's move on to-"

"I mean, I could have my friggin' Chef PhD ripped apart because I leaked this little secret! They could be watching me right now! If they send an assassin to take me out you are _so_ going with me, missy."

"Ri-ight. I'm hanging up now."

"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!! WE'RE FINISHING WHAT WE STARTED! GO TO YOUR NEAREST SPICE RACK AND GET THREE MORE SEASONINGS!!"

"Okay, okay! Tell me what to use!"

"So you really wanna know?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do you really, **really** wanna know?"

"_Yes_ I do."

"Do you really, **really**, **REALLY** wanna-"

"Just TELL me!!"

"There's no need to shout, ma'am."

"**Urgh.** Listen, I have seven seasonings before me. What do you recommend?"

"Since you're going to have four flavors in all you'll need two sweet ones and two zesty ones. You already have cinnamon, so pick out another like that."

"Oh dear, there's no ginger left. That was the last relatively sweet thing I had aside from the powdered lemonade mix."

"Don't worry. That's a perfectly acceptable substitute!"

"Are you _sure_?"

"Who's asking whom for advice here? Not many people know about these little secrets. I just got in even deeper doodoo with my superiors after spilling that; so I hope you're happy!"

"Alright, let me ask you one last question: Would lemon pepper and paprika be good for the zesty flavors?"

"They sure would! You're getting smarter already. I'm sorry I yelled at you; I guess my superiors weren't going to send a hitman for me after all."

While Jun accepted her apology Macchi urgently motioned to Mari. The blonde was confused for a moment, but after Macchi mouthed _fire on my signal_ she understood and aimed her doll's gun skyward.

"…Anyway, thank you for your help," Jun finished.

"It's no problem. Good luck with your cookies," Macchi replied.

Before Jun could say goodbye she heard a loud **BANG **on the other line.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!! THEY'RE TRYING TO KNOCK ME OFF!!!" the redhead screamed. She heard the dao-shi shriek in terror and hang up.

"Well? Who was it?" Mari asked.

"Let's just say there's a very nervous baker and her poisonous cookies somewhere close by," Macchi giggled.

* * *

Setsumi-san: The moral of this chapter is: People would rather eat a metal bat than anything of Tao Jun's.

Mari: …and always take your ice cream with you!

Setsumi-san: Reviews make my world go round. See the pretty little review button? You know how to click it, don't you? (points)


	6. Chapter six

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You! **

****

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

* * *

Quotable Quotes: "I'll have a double powdered Green Tea Kimchee with nattou yogurt, covered with chocolate chips!" – Himeno Awayuki ordering a rather bizarre ice cream treat, Prétear.

* * *

Setsumi-san: I know that Japanese ice cream has its own unique flavors…but even Himeno's Japanese friends looked disgusted after she said that. o.O' I would _love_ to try pumpkin flavored ice cream, though, because I think it must taste like pumpkin pie.

Horohoro: Mmm…pie… (drools Homer Simpson style)

Setsumi-san: (dreamily) Yeah…nani?! Horohoro, what the hell are you doing up here? Mari's the co-host!

Horo: I got bored waiting for my next appearance in this story and I heard you talking about pie so…y'know! (shrugs)

Set: Sorry, but there's no pie here.

Horo: No pie?

Set: No pie.

Horo: (big sad puppy eyes)

Set: Oh, very well. (snaps her fingers and a pie plops down on the table in front of them) I really hate to see someone as cheerful as you so sad.

Horo: Yee-haw!! (tackle-glomps Set so hard he nearly chokes her, then dives face-first into his snack)

Set: I hope you love the latest chapter, minna! =)

* * *

**Chapter Six: Lyserg? Lyserg? LYSERG? **

"Tokagero…don't do that."

"Aw, why not? He won't move no matter what I do so I may as well have some fun."

"Whether fun or not, writing 'Wash Me!' on his hair is still childish. What are you going to say when Ryu-san snaps out of it?"

"Don't be such a pussy! He's not gonna snap out of it anytime soon and when he _does_ I doubt he'll notice a thing."

Amidamaru, who had been scolding the bandit this whole time, sighed in exasperation but secretly agreed. For exactly one week Bokuto no Ryu sat motionless in a nearby chair, stared at the cabin's phone, and gathered a thin layer of dust all over his body like a tattered couch while hoping his beloved Lyserg would give him a ring. So far the odds weren't looking too heavily in the ex-gangster's favor.

_Ring, ring, ring!_

Ryu literally tackled the phone to the floor and blurted out, "Lyserg?!?!"

There was a short pause on the other line when a woman's alto voice responded, "Uhhh…no. I know how you can win him back, though."

"REALLY?! I mean… you had better not be screwing with me!"

"Trust me, sir. I'm a mistress of white magic, an expert in love spells, and a fellow shaman. My dream in life is to help anyone with romance problems. I never have and never will screw anyone."

Another higher-pitched female voice interjected, "You've got that right!"

"Sir, would you please hold while I slice my assistant into thin little pieces of deli meat?" the first woman asked.

The ink-haired shaman overheard a clang, a whoosh, the sound of a rooster crowing, and a loud squeak before the conversation continued.

"_Whew!_ Anyway, I had a vision of your troubles and wanted to tell you that I can get your sweetheart back for you if you just follow my exact directions. Are you up to the challenge?"

" Am _I _up to the challenge? When it comes to love-wait a minute," Ryu hesitated. He clapped his hand over the receiver's lower half, turned in the opposite direction, and struck a dramatic pose while several fireworks exploded in the background.

"Erm…Tokagero…I do not think it is wise for you to set off fireworks inside a closed space such as this," Amidamaru nervously advised.

"I don't like it either, but he always insists on having special effects during moments like this; and guess who got stuck with making sure they happen on cue," the thief grumbled.

"You're not playing the music!" Ryu snapped.

His mochirei sighed and started up a tape player that …well…seemingly appeared out of thin air while a rather creeped-out Amidamaru made a mental note to hang out near places with a saner atmosphere more often.

Ryu gave a satisfied smile and restarted the phone conversation; "As I was saying: When it comes to love Bokuto no Ryu is prepared to scale Mount Everest, dive to the floor of the Pacific, and battle a foe more fearsome than...than…!"

"…The Devil?" the 'expert' suggested.

"I was actually thinking more along the lines of The Wicked Witch of the West, but that's good too."

"Oookkkaaayyy… Look, just do exactly what I tell you. Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be!"

"Good. Listen closely: You must seek out a young couple about to kiss each other in public and stop them from doing so. While carrying out this task you must chant a mantra of '_watch the birdie' _until the pair separates far away from each other. Do you understand?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…_How_ is this supposed to help me again?"

"Oh, for the love of God! It _helps_ you by recharging your appeal factor. You need to steal someone else's sensuality energy so the object of your affection will notice you again! Young lovers have plenty to spare unless it's wasted on a kiss, so hurry!! You only have one hour!!"

"**OH NO!!!** Igottagothanksfortheadvicebyebye!!" Ryu shouted. He hung up as fast as possible, zipped outside, and left two very bewildered ghosts in the dust.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the edge of the desert, Macchi giggled her butt off at the trick Kanna had just played on their latest prankee.

"That's the third time her butt's fallen off this week," Mari murmured.

"Oww," Macchi moaned, "Find it and pack it in ice so the surgeons can sew it back on!"

"Hey, I just finished talking to a weirdo. Somebody _else_ will have to pick up your detached hiney," Kanna firmly asserted.

"Which weirdo might that be?" an unknown smooth voice asked.

Kanna replied, "Oh, just-**AAAHHH!!!**"

"**AAAHHH!!! HAO-SAMA!!!"** the other girls screamed.

"So," Hao calmly spoke up, "who's the weirdo and how well are you taking care of **my** phone?"

* * *

Setsumi-san: Muhahahahahaaa! It's an evil cliffhanger! Horohoro, do the next chapter's teaser.

Horohoro: Have the Hanagumi finally been caught?! Will Ryu ever win back his darling Lyserg?! Is there any more pie left for me to eat?! Find out in the next chapter of: **Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

Setsumi-san: Er…thank you. Please review.

(**Disclaimer: **I have nothing to do with/don't own The Wizard of Oz.)


	7. Chapter seven

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

* * *

Quotable Quotes: **"**Hey Cyborg, how long until we can launch?"

**"**Oh, about five minutes after YOU QUIT ASKIN' ME THAT!" – Robin and Cyborg, Teen Titans 

* * *

Setsumi-san: I've really gotten into the Teen Titans cartoon. In fact, I'm so into it that I just had to put some in this fic.

Mari: Here is the **disclaimer:** Setsumi-san does not own (anything pertaining to) Star Wars or Teen Titans at all.

Setsumi-san: Enjoy chappie seven, Minna!

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Caught! …Or Are We?**

"Is something wrong, girls?" Hao asked the Hanagumi in an ever-so-casual voice.

The trio could only stand frozen with dread and gape at their smiling master. This was the end! Surely he'd seen them goofing off!

"N-N-Nothing's wrong, Hao-sama! You just surprised us," Macchi stuttered.

"It was Macchi's fault," Mari tattled.

Hao arched a questioning eyebrow at the blonde and her teammates flashed her lethal glares.

"I can see you've been tinkering around with that machine for quite some time, Macchi. You're a very good Keeper," he complimented.

"T-Thank you!" she replied in a shaky voice.

"Still," he said, "you should remember that your job requires _responsibility._ As we all know, an irresponsible Keeper is just useless."

After Hao finished his sentence Spirit of Fire materialized behind him in all of its terrible glory and caused a ring of flames to surround its shaman and the Hanagumi. They screamed in horror and he put on a freakishly nonchalant smile.

"Forgive me, Hao-sama! I didn't want anything to with it in the first place!" Kanna begged.

"I swear to the Great Spirit that I'll never fool around again! Spare meee!!" screamed Macchi.

"Please make it quick," a trembling Mari whimpered, "Mari hates slow and painful deaths."

"I _know_ that you three have been making needless personal calls," he murmured, "Now, can you tell me why that is wrong?"

No one could answer him; the words were stuck in their throat. He sighed in annoyance. It really _was_ pointless to try and get a response from someone so frightened, so he stopped Spirit of Fire with a hand gesture. The somewhat relieved Hanagumi exhaled in unison and fell to their knees panting.

"Alright, I'll tell you why. I noticed all of the presents you bought yourselves: the electric broom, the motor scooter, the doll repair kit, et cetera. I don't mind whatever you ladies buy, but don't order it over the phone. I've heard of pesky little humans called telemarketers who get your information and harass you like no tomorrow and I don't want any of their nonsense," he explained.

Mari, Macchi, and Kanna collapsed onto the ground in stunned disbelief.

"I suppose you learned your lesson, so carry on with whatever you were doing before. Ja ne!" Hao chirped.

* * *

Meanwhile, near a fountain in the very center of Patch Village, a young alien superhero named Starfire was asking her crush, Robin, to forgive her.

"I am so sorry; Robin," she apologized, "but I honestly did not know what the Horohoro boy was going to do with me when he took me to the city of Las Vegas! I only went with him because I did not want to seem rude."

"Hey, it's okay. It was an honest mistake and we managed to annul the marriage between you two, so everything turned out fine. Though…I do wish you would've told me sooner. Why'd you hide it for so long?" he replied.

She blushed and said, "I…I was afraid that if I told you…that it would destroy all chances of us ever…"

"Star?"

"Um, yes?"

"Do you mean 'us' as you and me?"

"Perhaps…i-if you want me to!"

There was silence for a moment and then they suddenly realized they were unconsciously holding hands. Robin looked panicked for a second and tried to let go, but Starfire gave him a pleading expression and squeezed a little tighter. The Boy Wonder's heart skipped a beat. She had such gorgeous green eyes and now they were staring at him in the way he'd always dreamed of.

_Star,_ he thought, _I could never get mad at you. Please don't stop holding my hand._

_Oh Robin,_ she wondered, _do you feel like I do? _

The moment was perfect. The two slowly leaned in, closed their eyes, puckered up…

…And had their mood spoiled by a crazy guy whacking Robin on the head while screaming something about birdies.

It appeared these Teen Titans would have to find love another day.

* * *

Back with our heroes, an aura of shock hung in the air after Hao had left. One could almost smell it, and we all know how hard it is to get rid of aura smells. The team would probably need to get a professional to take care of it because air freshener simply wouldn't do.

After ten minutes Kanna murmured, "Let's quit."

"No! W-We'll be okay! Besides, Hao-sama **told** us to carry on with what we were doing," Macchi insisted.

"Who are you trying to convince: me or you?" the bluenette asked.

"Both of us," Macchi confessed, "b-but Mari agrees with me! Don't you, Mari?"

The blonde gave no answer.

"Mari?"

Mari just stood there; petrified, bug-eyed, and scarcely breathing.

"Are you alright, Mari?"

The redhead poked her teammate, who just klonked to the ground.

"I'll take her into a shady spot and try to wake her up. You stay put," Kanna said. She put her friend over her shoulder and walked off with Ashcroft.

Macchi sighed as she watched them and wondered what to do.

**Poof!** A chibi angel version of herself popped up on her left shoulder and said, "You've had your fun, but that was a close call. From now on use that phone when it's only necessary!"

**Poof!** A chibi devil Macchi popped upon her other shoulder and said, "Ah, c'mon! Hao-sama told you to keep on with what you were doing! We don't wanna disobey him, ne?"

"But Hao-sama didn't know what you were doing! That gives you no reason to make such silly logic!" Angel-Macchi scolded.

"What he don't know won't hurt him, will it? He wouldn't _really_ burn three of his strongest servants over such a minor frustration anyway! You know Hao-sama likes to toy with people's minds!" Devil-Macchi persisted.

"Well…you have a point," Angel Macchi told her counterpart, "but Spirit of Fire burned up all of your scripts. What are you going to do, just call somebody up and start acting all nuts and rand-?"

All three suddenly stopped and grinned simultaneously. The angel and devil disappeared while the shaman prepared to terrorize Faust the Eighth.

_Ring, ring, ring!_

"Hello?" Faust answered.

"Hello!" Macchi chirped.

"…Hello?"

"Hello!"

"Who _is_ this?"

"Yo momma, that's who!"

"My mother is back home in Germany. Are you trying to sell something? Please take me off your list."

"Oh I can't do _that_!"

"And why not?"

"Because you're involved now!"

"Huh? Involved with what?"

"You're involved with the Peppermint Empire and they have your wife hostage!!!"

"WHAT?!?! NOT MY SWEET ELIZA! I WILL **KILL** THEM!!"

"**No!** They might be watching you right now! You must use The Force if you want to save your wife!"

"What on Earth is The Force?!"

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You are my only hope!"

"My name isn't Obi-Wan Kenobi and you _still_ haven't told me what this Force thing is!!"

"Don't you know that you're a Jedi?!"

"What the hell-? I'm a necromancer!"

"NOOOO!!!! The Peppermint side has gotten to you! It's only a matter of time before they get your wife as well!"

"NOOOO!!!! PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN SAVE HER!!!"

"Um, uh…go to Team The Ren's place and destroy the Peppermint Emperor! He sometimes goes by the alias of Chocolove and wears a sarong!"

"To think I knew the sick bastard all this time! **I'm coming, Eliza!!**"

Faust hung up and Macchi had another gigglefest. Soon, Mari walked over beside her.

"Mari and Kanna had a talk and decided to keep on tricking people, but only a _few_ more," she said.

"Tee hee hee! Okay, I'm glad you guys agree with me. Take your next turn, Mari," the redhead laughed.

* * *

Setsumi-san: Sorry for interrupting that kiss, but you didn't actually think true love would win in a humor fic, did you?

Mari: Mari was scared to death! (shoots at Setsumi-san)

Setsumi-san: GAAAHHH!

Mari: Don't do that again.

Setsumi-san: (whimpers) Yes Ma'am.


	8. Chapter eight

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

Quotable Quotes: "Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment." –Buddha

* * *

**Chapter eight: The Mad Peppermint Emperor Meets the Mad Semi-Drag Queen! (Sort Of…)**

Tao Ren was, to say the least, quite grouchy. He had no weekly budget cash, his sister had unintentionally poisoned him, his Japanese teammate was currently suffering from caffeine withdrawl, and his American teammate was refusing to bathe after receiving a weird warning about wild and dangerous Howler Monkeys!

"I'm _tellin'_ ya that that's what the Animal Control Officers said!" Chocolove shouted.

Ren clasped his nostrils with a nearby clothespin and yelled back, "I dode _gare_ whad dey zaid! Dey _should_ hab dold you to go tayg a bath!"

"No way! It's fine with me if you want some crazy monkey ripping you limb from limb, but _I_ wanna live!"

The Chinese boy grabbed his kwan-dao and immediately swished it toward Chocolove, who nearly got his afro sliced off. He quickly merged with Mick and tried to dash away from Ren, but it was to no avail. Punches were thrown. Kicks bludgeoned bodies. Cuts were scratched. Bites clamped down. The struggle seemed to go on forever.

"Chocolobe, you stinky sod of a bitch, get id the tub!"

"Never!!"

"The only modkeys id thiz house are you and Horohoro! You're taygig a bath if I have to drag you id there and scrub you myself!"

"Please Ren, lemme go!"

"Pigs will fly out of my ass before thad happeds!"

"Hey, look! It's Santa Claus!"

Ren was distracted long enough by that for his friend to shove him into the bathroom and nail the door shut.

"Thad was a TRICK?! Why you dirty little skunk, I'll get you!!"

_Ring, ring, ring!_

"Heh heh! Sorry, I'd talk to you but I gotta answer the phone."

"KISAMA!!"

Chocolove simply ignored his teammate and answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is your friendly local Animal Control Lady speaking."

"You're just the person I needed to talk to! When is this problem gonna be solved?"

"Oh! You got the message, then?"

"Yeah, I've been doing everything you guys told me to do! Have you caught any yet?"

" 'Any?' What do you mean by that? There's only one of him."

"There's only a single monkey?!"

"Oh no, please don't say that _you_ got a false call too."

"What do you mean?"

"A disgruntled employee tricked some of his co-workers into giving people fake warnings about howler monkeys. The company has only recently learned that he has now gone insane and is taking his rage out on our clients in your neighborhood."

"Whoa! I'm glad I found out about this! How will I know this guy if I see him?"

"No one knows his true identity, but witnesses have said his most recent alias is that of a blonde German semi-drag queen."

"WHAT?! I-I-I m-m-must've misheard you. Please tell me he does _not_ really look like that! "

"He doesn't. It's a _disguise,_ remember? The police only call him a semi-drag queen because he seems to have a fetish for purple lipgloss."

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!! My friends and I are gonna die!! This psycho's been living among us all of this time! YOU GOTTA SAVE ME!!!"

"No way! If he's with you than he's your problem!"

"Well, he works for _you!"_

"No one works for _this_ peon. She gets paid the same no matter what kind of performance she does and after ten years of service she has begun to hate all customers."

"Why'd you help me out if you hate your job so much?!"

"…Don't question your superiors."

"Look here lady; you aren't my superior and I want somebody to come get this crazy man!"

"We control _animals,_ not cross-dressers. You called the wrong people."

"What the-?! _You_ called _me_!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"For the last time, soldier, don't question your superior's authority!"

"Huh? What do you mean by 'soldier'?"

"TEN-HUT!! Fall in you little mama's boy, or you can never defeat the evil troops of the Semi-drag queen!!"

"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!!"

Not wanting to get attacked by Faust's transvestite army (or _whatever_ the necromancer had at his disposal) Chocolove stood at rigid attention.

"Alright you sorry bastard, you're in Telephone Boot Camp as of right now! Drop and do five-hundred one-fingered push-ups!"

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!! Unnnnffff… urrrrgggghhh...hold on…urrrrgggghhh!"

"Is that ALL you've GOT?! DOUBLE TIME, SOLDIER!!!"

"B-But I haven't even done a single push-up!"

"We're one of those recruits with an independent streak, are we? In that case you are hereby sentenced to…um…cleaning all of the ladies' bathrooms on the base using only a Q-tip."

"NNNOOO!!! Not the potty punishment!"

"Yeah! Moreover, your chief duty will be to empty the special wastebaskets where they throw away _feminine products._"

The poor shaman made a sound that can only be described as "Eeeeeyuuweehh" before fainting in horror.

* * *

**Ten minutes later…**

"Oog…what a horrifying dream," Chocolove groaned.

"Oh let me assure you that your nightmare is _just_ beginning," a cold voice replied.

The former glanced up and saw a _very_ angry Faust glowering at him.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S THE MAD SEMI-DRAG QUEEN!!!" he screamed.

"SILENCE!! I'm only going to say this once: I do not know _where_ you are hiding my wife or _why_ you want her in particular, but I want her back," Faust demanded.

"What're you talking about?! I-I don't know anything about your wife," the comedian insisted, "Besides; shouldn't you be mad at your bosses instead of me?"

The blonde man looked slightly puzzled for a moment then shook his head and yelled, "Don't play dumb! Do what you will with me but leave Eliza out of your crazy empire!"

"Lazy vampire!" Chocolove joked.

Needless to say, the lame pun not only earned the poor boy a greeting from painful surgeon's tools; it made Ren get angry enough to kick open the bathroom door and stab his nose. Chaos would have ensued long into the night if Eliza had not wandered in the cabin while looking for her husband.

* * *

**Another ten minutes and several bandages later…**

"Led me see if I understand thiz," Ren said, "You both got weird phodecalls aboud each other thad turned out to be lies. Neither of you recogdized these women and dey didn't give you their names. However, dey both seemed to know a lot aboud both of you. Did either of you geniuses check the Caller I.D.?"

Chocolove stared blankly while Faust simply ignored him and snuggled with Eliza. The Chinese boy rolled his eyes and proceeded to get to the bottom of the problem himself.

"Thad's strange. Hao's number has shown up three times id a row," Ren observed, "I didn't even know he had a phode."

"That can't be right. Hao called once to leave me a scary message a little earlier; but that was it," the American shaman said.

Just then a certain pyromaniac murmured, "As I thought…"

"HAO!" everyone shouted. He had seemingly popped out of nowhere and was sitting on top of a nearby cabinet.

"Relax," he told them, "I just want to explain what's going on and ask if you'd like to help take care of it."


	9. Chapter nine

****

**Don't Call Us; We'll Call You!**

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

* * *

**Author's Notes: **1. For those of you who aren't too familiar with the later chapters of the manga, Luchist used to be part of the X-laws before joining Hao. (I'm not sure why he switched sides though.) 

2. The bit about Saint Longinus isn't an Evangelion reference; he was a figure in Catholic mythology. The scrolls don't exist though; I just made that up.

3.In order to compromise with the site's policy my little witty comments before and after each chapter shall now be typed out as if they were a mini-story. Without further ado I present to you the birth of …

* * *

**The 4th Wall**

"So what exactly is this fourth wall?" Mari asks.

"Well," I reply, "the term "breaking the fourth wall" is used in fanfics when the author interrupts the middle of his or her story for a commentary or note. It's considered very rude but I honestly don't mind it."

"Aren't you breaking the wall now?" she says.

"Nah. As long as I stay up here things are fine. At least…I'm pretty sure they're fine. I honestly don't know if I'm breaking more rules," I answer with a sweatdrop.

I know my co-hostess is irritated with me. Kee-ripes, she makes me nervous. _Anyone_ with a gun does! However, before I have time to worry about Mari, Anna enters (as so many can in the fourth wall) and gives yours truly a death glare.

"Oh no," I whimper, "I'm going to be punished by you for being so lazy, aren't I?"

"We have a winner," the itako says dryly.

With that she begins to choke me with her beads.

"Mari guesses it's up to _her_ to start the next chapter," Mari sighs, "Being a co-hostess is such work. Oh well… "

* * *

**Chapter nine: Just Desserts Get Served**

_No disrespect intended, O Great Spirit, but why is it your wish to have me work with them?_ Asakura Hao thought.

He was referring to nearly everyone there in the hospital lobby; especially the X-laws. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to bring all of the Hanagumi's victims together in one place. Hao would have taken care of the problem himself if Marco had not been smart enough to figure out who bothered his precious Jeanne and himself. The brunette already knew what was going on and even played a little game of cat and mouse just to frighten the girls into quitting a while ago.

It didn't work.

All he wanted to do was terrify, er, _tell_ his ailing little brother to get well soon. Yoh was so strong and yet Anna could always conquer him physically and emotionally. (In this case he had been conquered physically.) Instead he was interrupted by Marco loudly accusing Luchist of sending his crazy partners to intimidate the Iron Maiden outside of the hospital. Hao had stopped the arguement, pondered the options, and then finally decided to have a little more fun with punishing the girls and head off to gather everyone who had fallen prey to them. Reiterated, it was a _bad_ idea. Everyone was extremely angry.

"Can you imagine how confused I was when my brother and I recieved a message saying something about a so-called Sleeping License?" Pillica huffed.

Manta nodded in agreement and said,"Tell me about it! I nearly had a heart attack when I got one with a girl's voice screaming in my ear."

"My week has been hellish enough with my stupid teammates! The _last _thing I needed was to be robbed over the phone! This plan of yours had better work,Asakura Hao," Ren ranted.

"Trust me; it will. Everyone just needs to follow my directions," Hao replied. This remark was subtley directed at Iron Maiden Jeanne, who glowered.

"Know this," Jeanne told him, "we are not allies. I am doing this halfway against my own wishes, but those witches spoke words of blasphemy. I do this for Christianity, not you."

"I realize that," Hao replied, "but you're working with me no matter _how_ you see it. I'm disciplining my own for a change. You can't have your cake and eat it too."

The other X-laws looked ready to explode at his last comment. Only Jeanne remained calm. Her fuschia eyes were a confident drill and he was the flimsy, wet, wooden plank.

"We will vanquish _all_ evil," she assured him.

He smiled mockingly and answered, "So be it."

Horohoro, who had been asleep until then, sat up and yelled, "TROMBONES!!" A moment later he flopped back down snoring and earned strange looks from everyone in the room.

Ren blushed and explained, "The baka still has some caffiene in his system. He's been popping up and shouting random things every fifteen minutes."

Hao turned his attention back to Jeanne and asked, "At any rate, do you think they're talking to your boy toy by now?"

"Yes. He sh-Lyserg Diethyl is NOT my 'boy toy!'" she said furiously.

_Ah,_ _I love offending my enemies;_ thought Hao.

* * *

Meanwhile, inside of the X-laws' ship, Lyserg was speaking with someone who claimed to represent The Vatican's library. Of course, she was really Kanna Bismarch. 

"…I was intrigued to learn you were both a devoted servant of God and you were Liam Diethyl's son. We might need your skills as a detective," the bluenette told him.

"I'm sorry, but I gave up dowsing a long time ago. I have no need to practice it," Lyserg apologized.

There was a brief and almost unsure pause on Kanna's end before she sincerely begged, "The Lord needs you! Listen, these robbers were also shamans who had the nerve to compete in the Shaman Fight! The Catholic Church eventually apprehended them inside Patch Village borders-"

"If that is true you have no reason to talk to me or even worry. Goodbye."

"Wait, _please_ hear me out! Before the location of the Scrolls of Saint Longinus could be revealed, the thieves committed suicide…"

Lyserg suddenly choked and sputtered out, "M-My ears must be dirty. D-D-Did you s-say _Saint Longinus_?"

"Yes. I assume you've heard of these Scrolls he wrote," she said.

"Well…no," he confessed, "I only know of his legend."

Lady Jeanne loved to tell tales of the Three Holy Relics and the green-haired teen remembered her saying Longinus was a blind Roman soldier who impaled a dying Christ with his spear. Supposedly, some of Christ's blood splashed upon his eyes and cured his blindness. He became the most powerful Christian martyr ever and an expert in holy weaponry. Why…if the Iron Maiden could get her hands on anything _he_ wrote…her power would increase dramatically! Lyserg's heartbeat suddenly turned into excited hammer blows.

_No, no, no! I can't do anything without Maiden's permission,_ Lyserg scolded himself, _But… the sooner we can dispose of Hao the better…and I could finally be of some use to her…_

He heard her continue, "The Scrolls hold many secrets of ancient martyrs. No one is quite sure, but it is said he alone knew of a technique which would let a sufferer for the right cause nearly die only to come back a hundred times stronger. The Church thinks he may have written it down in there, and if-"

"…If Lady Maiden knew about this," Lyserg excitedly interjected, "she could get strong enough to open the Gate of Babylon a lot s-"

**THWAP!** He suddenly realized his stupidity and smacked a hand over his mouth. Dammit, how could he let such an opportunity slip through his fingers?! Well, he knew what she would say next.

"You sound a lot more interested! Does this mean you'll take the case?" the caller asked hopefully.

A few crickets chirped and tumbleweed blew by as the dowser stood in stunned reflection of his lucky break. That was not what she was supposed to say next…but who CARED?!

"Ah…certainly. Nothing but good can come from this, right?" he calmly responded.

"God bless you, my boy! As I said, these sinners took their own lives in a twisted last resort to keep the location a secret. However, one of them wheezed out a bizarre verbal clue just before he died."

"I see. Go on."

"All he said was '_eaten by Patch's middle stone_ _whale.' _ It's baffling! Can you decipher it?"

The English teen scrawled down some notes, hemmed and hawed, then snapped his neck up in attention. Why, this was child's play! The clue was merely a matter of symbolism! He needed to get in the town square pronto if his guess was correct! A quick glance at the time revealed it was two-thirty P.M.

"Can I make it in a half hour on foot?" he absentmindedly wondered into the receiver.

"Do what?" the caller questioned.

"N-Nothing!! Sorry, I just remembered that I have a…um…dentist's appointment… at three o' clock sharp! I'll get back on your case as soon as I can."

"Oh, don't (pfft) worry! Take your (Ho, ho, ho!) time…Goodbye!"

"Goodbye! Jea-I mean God will get what he needs soon!"

Lyserg hung up. Though instead of becoming another victim of trickery, he turned around and smiled in quiet triumph.

_Phase One is complete,_ he thought.

* * *

After the Hanagumi finished their last call they went to the town commons to finish cooking up their elaborate hoax that involved the fountain in the center of the village. Normally, right on every hour, the fountain gushed forth water; but Macchi came up with the fancy of redirecting a sewer pipeline waste to it. Once the green-haired boy guessed that the fountain represented a whale's spout, he would run down there as fast as possible, get close enough to search for the nonexistent scrolls before the hour was up, and finally… well… it could easily be guessed what the consequence would be when he arrived at three o' clock that afternoon. 

However, three o' clock couldn't come soon enough for the two youngest girls. Why the hell didn't they pick a better time for digging underground and rearranging pipes? Nobody else was crazy enough to be outside in such heat and it didn't help that their leader wasn't bothering to lend a hand.

"Hey Kanna," Macchi panted, "are we done yet?"

"Nope," she replied.

"But I wanna take a breeeaaak!"

"I'm the manager. I say keep working."

"Could ya 'manage' to lemme have more soda?"

"**No.** I'm not letting you near any energy boosters. Your common sense completely vanishes when you eat sweets."

"Oh yeah? Gimme one good example of something truly kooky I've done when hyperactive!"

"You came up with every crazy joke we've played in the last few days, including the one we're setting up this very minute."

"Oh yeah… Still, c'mon! Can't I have one more drink? Pppllleeeaaassseee?"

_Boomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboom!!!!!! _Before anything else was said Mari and Chuck made the final decision in bullet language.

* * *

****Five minutes and two near heart attacks later our heroines settled down on a nearby shop rooftop and waited for the show to begin. They had concealed theirselves a safe distance away while still maintaining a great view of everything below. Everything was rolling along smoothly except for one itty bitty detail: the victim was nowhere to be seen. 

"Mari tsumanai. Where is he?" Mari complained

"I dunno. He should have been here by now," Kanna said.

"Maybe he got lost," Macchi speculated.

"What if he doesn't show up?" Mari asked. She glanced at her team leader for an answer who simply shrugged and asked for Macchi's opinion.

"Let's just leave it alone," the redhead decided, "The kid's obviously not coming, but look at the bright side: it'll be three o' clock in a few seconds and this part of Patch Village will stink for a week! We can still leave our mark."

_Bee-deep, bee-deep, bee-deep!_ Kanna's wristwatch alarm finally signaled the hour. What a treat this would be! Fireworks would explode! At least... they _should_ have been exploding by now. What was wrong?

"Hey…nothing's happening. What's with the fountain?" Macchi asked in annoyance.

"Mari, go down there and see what's wrong," Kanna ordered. She leapt from the roof and did as told.

"Well?!" Macchi called from above.

"Mari can't see anything wrong!" the doll master yelled back.

"Did you look to see if the spout was clogged?!" Macchi yelled.

"No! Mari's not going to set off an obvious deux ex machina!"

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Pouting, Mari shimmied upward and cautiously examined the small opening. Everything went well until she was startled by..._Horohoro's head popping out!!_

"ALL HAIL THE PRINCE OF FARTS!!!!!" he shrieked.

Mari was so frightened she yelped and sprung back on the building to her surprised friends. Suddenly, the ground rumbled and sewage exploded beneath them with such force they were knocked off! Somebody had redirected the pipe's flow and caused it to erupt from the bathroom inside! The screaming girls were hurled halfway across the desert, crashed to the earth like three stale cupcakes, rolled through a cactus patch, barely missed a rattlesnake den, and somehow ended up trapped in a net of chicken wire for the coup de grace.

After much squirming around and coughing up the sand lodged in their throats, they were greeted by all of their victims, who looked very satisfied, and none other than Hao sitting on Spirit of Fire in the very center.

"You see, Matilda," Hao began, "I told you your job required responsibility. Marion and Kanna, that goes for you too. I'm not stupid. When you were out shopping you had left my phone behind, so I decided to mess around a little bit and see if I couldn't get the hang of how it worked. Now, I discovered something called a 'battery' and realized it drains power from the phone the more often it is used. I'd only made two calls, so obviously _somebody_ was abusing their privileges."

"Hao-sama, w-what are you going to do to us?!" they asked in a panicked voice.

"Relax," he replied with a wave of dismissal, "I wouldn't kill some of my most valued partners. You'll just be left up here for a day without your personal spirits at the mercy of random passers-by. Spirit of Fire will check up on you every hour, so I wouldn't get any thoughts of escaping. Afterwards you will clean up the mess in the village square by yourselves.Am I clear?"

The Hanagumi sweatdropped and nodded rapidly.

"Good," he said.

They sighed in relief after he disappeared with Spirit of Fire and everyone else went their separate ways.

"At least things can't get any worse," Kanna muttered.

Things did get worse,though, when they heard familiar electric guitars playing. Uh-oh, there were only two men who could have such obnoxious music...

"Hi, ladies! We heard from Hao-sama that you were gonna be stuck out here for quite a while, so we thought we'd entertain you with the remake of our hit single 'Chimi Chimi Moryou!'" Zen-Ryou called out.

"**NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!**"

* * *

** The End**


End file.
